The traditional Greek refrain of turbines thundering round us made me suppose I had misunderstood Yulia’s phrases. However she repeated loudly: ‘I by no means had such orgasms earlier than the conflict!’
We’d spent the final two hours in a large restaurant close to Khreshchatyk. Earlier than the conflict, the place was at all times crowded, however after passing via the tangled underground labyrinths and at last reaching the spacious corridor, I seen that I used to be the one one there. Candles flickered dimly, including to the confusion and darkness. The obscure shapes of servers might be seen shifting within the shadows. I used to be seated within the place with essentially the most pure gentle, subsequent to the window that ignored the arcade of the buying middle one stage under. Yulia was operating late, so I used to be trying out the home windows of vacation outlets when all of a sudden it went fully darkish. ‘This has by no means occurred earlier than,’ the administrator stated worriedly. She and I watched in silence because the pale beacons of smartphone flashlights lit up in boutiques, whose glow at all times soothed with the everlasting promise of luxurious. Extra highly effective flashlights joined them, and shortly I felt that I used to be watching the beginning of galaxies within the blackness of the universe, the dance of lonely stars at midnight of eternity.
Grocery store, Saltivka, Kharkiv, 2022. Picture by Andriy Rachinskiy
When Yulia lastly got here, we ordered some meals. I selected the burrata on a mattress of pumpkin mousse, and Yulia went for vorschmack in waffle cones and a glass of white wine. We exchanged private information, after which I discovered a video on my smartphone that I’d begged my pal Nazar to ship me.
A couple of years in the past, Nazar and I got down to discover the grave of Ukrainian author and archaeologist Viktor Petrov on the Lukianivka Navy Cemetery. Petrov’s shut associates and colleagues have been met with repression within the Nineteen Thirties – they have been all shot, arrested, or exiled. Nonetheless, Petrov lived an extended life, probably on account of his cooperation with the system. In consequence, the author, professor, and archaeologist was laid to relaxation amongst high-ranking navy officers like generals and colonels.
At first, Nazar and I mistakenly looked for Petrov’s grave throughout the road, among the many lush greenery within the cemetery, which was considerable in the course of the early days of summer time. Ultimately, we stumbled upon the grave of Kostya Zerov, the son of Petrov’s beloved girl. Tragically, Kostya died all of a sudden from scarlet fever simply as his father, the sensible poet and translator Mykola Zerov – a detailed pal of Petrov – was present process intense persecution. The ten-year-old’s grave serves as an emblem for the burial of Mykola, who was shot within the killing fields of Sandarmokh in 1937 throughout Stalin’s Nice Terror.
Nazar is a person of literature. Earlier than the invasion, he labored in a bookstore, the place he was identified for making a number of the tastiest filter espresso in Kyiv. He went to the Navy Commissariat on the primary day of the conflict. I noticed him per week in the past after he’d obtained go away from the entrance for a shrapnel wound and facial surgical procedure. Nazar has a broken auditory nerve, and he can have ringing in his ears for the remainder of his life – his personal private air raid siren to remind him of what he’d witnessed, together with the 5 troopers who died earlier than his eyes.
He didn’t need to say something about his navy service. As a substitute, Nazar confirmed me a video from a number of months in the past, when he was despatched to Nice Britain for navy coaching. There have been a number of Maori instructors from New Zealand, and on the final night, they carried out a ritual haka dance for the members of the Ukrainian navy.
Each time I watch it, I get goosebumps. This video is so fascinating that I can’t assist however present it to others. The sight is gorgeous and ugly, repelling but inconceivable to look away from – the aggressive actions, vigorous leg stomping, bulging eyes, and totally prolonged tongues are completely coordinated. The chief, who set the rhythm and began the music, was shirtless, his face coated in darkish paint. He held the Ukrainian flag in his palms.
The following factor Yulia stated after she and I went out onto the icy hilly streets – extra exactly, she didn’t communicate, however screamed, competing with the voices of the turbines – was her confession. A beam of sunshine from an aged man’s headlamp, who was navigating his approach in direction of us like a searchlight searching for escaped prisoners, momentarily blinded us. Then Yulia added, ‘Perhaps I shouldn’t say such issues out loud.’
I took a better have a look at Yulia. She appeared radiant amidst the darkness of the central streets of Kyiv. Her pores and skin glowed, her dewy eyes sparkled with delight, and she or he licked her lips as if she nonetheless tasted her vorschmack that she’d washed down with a cool glass of wine.
She regaled me with tales of her clandestine rendezvous, divulging the intricacies and hues of her emotions, however the cacophony of the setting and absolutely the darkness made it tough to totally grasp her each phrase. But it appeared to me Yulia was recounting the peak of her climaxes throughout missile strikes – the second a missile hits its mark, or the exhilaration when it’s shot down by the air protection system, the fragments spiraling via the air. She described the extravagant thrills she felt below the drone’s rumbling, the rhythm and pulsating actions orchestrated by the wails of the air raid siren.
She instructed me in regards to the intriguing peculiarities of lodge conferences throughout energy outages: the directors in chilly lobbies lit by eerie spotlights; the key aspect doorways to stairways; the laborious climb to the seventeenth ground when elevators have been out of order; the sounds of stealthy footsteps; the ambiguous shadows passing quietly; a mysterious glow swaying within the air, and a door skillfully propped open with a crowbar by a employees member as digital keys have been ineffective. All this in full darkness, on the seventeenth ground, the place you may think about however not see the outlines of town under.
She went on to explain conferences in rented flats, together with a memorable one the place, at their most tender second, they have been interrupted by a sudden raid from the Workplace of Counterintelligence. A cautious neighbour had reported the suspicious guests who had snuck into the constructing, believing that they is perhaps harmful saboteurs.
‘I in all probability shouldn’t discuss this out loud,’ she repeated, her eyes shining fortunately.
She actually was taking a danger by admitting one thing like that. In wartime, judgments and views go away no room for maneuvering, binding individuals right into a single, inflexible place, like an ossified corset. There are both heroes or enemies, with no in-between. There is no such thing as a room for indulgence or softness – simply calls for, judgments and relentlessness. It units the best bar of expectations with no recognition of particular person options, weaknesses and subtleties. The corset is fastened in place with phrases like ‘it’s not well timed,’ ‘to the very finish,’ and ‘id formation’. Life steadily grew to become imbued with the simple conviction that everybody has a purpose to be managed and judged, and this was deemed mandatory by our society’s ethical obligation and proper to defend itself.
Pathos and rigidity grew to become the go-to strategies for attaining this. However they grew to become an dependancy, like a drug, and it was arduous to attain catharsis with out them. Society’s notion grew to become distorted, unable to see something colourful in additional impartial tones, unable to see something that wasn’t about conflict. A milder tone was even seen as a risk, resulting in aggression. Lack of aggression itself was seen as a supply of aggression. The extra intense the feelings, the better the assumption in the correct to manage and demand.
‘In fact, Yulia!’ I shouted. ‘This isn’t one thing you need to discuss! This isn’t the time for such issues!’
‘I do know!’ Yulia shouted again to me. ‘That’s why I can solely let you know about it!’
Underneath the infernal roar of turbines rotating round their very own axis on the streets of black ice, she assured me, as if she understood what she was doing was improper. However that’s who she is, it’s a part of her id. All this intercourse is her haka: her ritual, her cleaning fireplace, her dance. And she is going to proceed dancing to it.
‘I’ll cum to the very finish!’ Yulia shouted simply at that second, when the home windows of the homes illuminated the road, and the turbines fell silent.
This text is a part of Meridian Czernowitz’s sequence State of Battle, an internet anthology of essays by Ukrainian intellectuals in regards to the Russian invasion of Ukraine. 100 Ukrainian authors will recount their very own experiences, impressions, observations and emotions in 100 texts. The creation of the anthology takes place inside the framework of the USAID-backed Deepening the inner cultural dialogue in Ukraine challenge.
